Space Mountain

I am going to go back in time. That is my plan. That is how I will fix everything.  I am going to go back and do it all again. But I will figure it all out first. I will go through it all, every detail. Every word. I will sit for days and hours and remember everything. The atmosphere and temperature, your clothes, my clothes, the sounds that deafened me after your words had deafened me. I will write it all down on dozens of blank pages that I will leave to be scattered about in my den by the window I will leave open to air out the smoke from all the cigarettes I will have consumed.

I will read these pages over and over and edit and add to them with more blank pages that I will number so as to coordinate with the original page that needed editing or adding to. I will scatter these ones myself. When I feel that I have sufficiently remembered every detail, have decided on exactly what I want to do differently and have anticipated every reaction possible and subsequently decided on which words and actions I will take to every possible reaction, when all the variants and variables and possibilities and chance happenings have been memorized and acted out to perfection, then I will begin the task of creating a time machine.

Once I have understood all there is to understand about the notions of space and time and worm holes and closed time like curves and coordinate transformations and relativistic time and speed and all those things that Einstein and Hawking talked about so much and people found so fascinating and after I have obtained several PhDs on these subject matters to ensure that the knowledge I have gained has been tested and found solid, then I will begin to build a machine that allows me to travel through time.

I will study everything I can about rockets and UFOs because at this point I will know that I need to be able to go really really fast, faster than anything else, faster than even I can imagine. I will learn about different materials like titanium and aluminum, and reinforced carbon-carbon and ceramics and heat shields and gravity and liquid hydrogen and liquid oxygen. I will go to NASA and personally and meticulously examine the space shuttles and rockets they have on site. I will confer with all those who are conferrable on the matter of time machines and space rockets. Once built I will test my time machine over and over and then build better ones, constantly upgrading and when I feel like I have the best one I could ever produce I will make dozens of replicas and begin to administer a grueling array of test simulations. I will drench them in lava from the closest volcano and freeze them in the iciest of temperatures and repeatedly test launch and shoot at them with high powered weapons to simulate obstructions like small asteroids and debris that I would surely encounter on my trip through time.

With my time machine created I will build one other replica and in this one I will place a monkey in the driver seat, a monkey that I will have personally trained to steer a time machine space shuttle, and I will hook it up to wires that will read his heart and blood and anxiety. I will send this monkey with my replica time machine space shuttle, after a very lengthy and heartfelt goodbye, into the nearest wormhole, once I have discovered one. I will study all the causes and effects the travel has on the monkey and adjust accordingly.

After that I will launch myself into the wormhole and pray and hope that I break through at just the right moment in time in order to make a different decision for you, the one you said was the right one, the one you wanted me to pick. I will this time ignore my worries and wants in order to make you happy, because in the end for me that is what matters. I will do all that I have described above for you. And hopefully then you will see that I do love you.